Suburban Kvetch

Five of my favorite mom blogs

Last night at holiday dinner a friend of mine asked if I went to that “Mom Blog convention” in Chicago this summer.

“Oh no,” I said. “I went two years ago and this year I stayed far away.”

I explained about the swag and the cliques and the pushing of moms with babies.  I recounted how blogging started for many as a vehicle for story telling and has morphed into a platform for free stuff.  I told her about Blog with Integrity and the effort to realize that the blogosphere is big enough for everyone — but that we need to know what we’re reading.

Everyone listening understood - even if they had never read a blog let alone a mom blog.  I described my penchant for writing for the sake of writing and connecting and for having a non-income generating platform for my own writing.

And then I realized that with all the problems I have with many mom blogs out there - I am tethered to quite a few of them despite myself.  Granted these are story-telling blogs, whether or not there are ads and whether or not there are plugs for someone’s own products or the products of others.

I abandoned having a blog roll long ago, even though I love finding new reading material on lists of other bloggers.  So here are ten mom blogs that I like to read, for whatever reason.  Some of these women? I’ve been reading them for four years or maybe more.  I read them because I met them or I feel like I have.  Others craft a great story.  Still more write short enough posts (yay for short posts) that it’s no skin off my key-tapping fingers to see what they are up to and it is usually interesting.  I do not gravitate toward single mom blogs - or blogs of moms with teens - or Jewish moms.  I’m drawn to sites that either show me something new or remind me of something old.

So while I do chop down mom blogs in my mind, and in public, I’m still a rampant fan of many.

Indulge in a few of these when you have free time:

Sassafrass
Jess is a Chicago divorced mom like me. She’s hip, loves shoes and writes a mean streak about all things mama.

Blogs Are Stupid
Blog Antagonist is one of the best writers on the interweb, hands down. She’s working full-time now so she’s not posting daily but you could chomp on her archives for weeks and never go hungry.

Chicky Chicky Baby
I read Tania not because I can’t remember ever not reading her blog, but because she is an honest, loving, harried and hassled mom of two little girls. She keeps the big picture in mind but shares the details - and is always on-target.

Thinking About
J’s blog is only a mom blog because she’s a mom. She writes about her life as Maya’s mom, but she writes beautiful posts about everything from her dog (ok, the dog writes the posts), restaurants, books, life in general and she posts the best recipes.

We All Fall Down
Cindy doesn’t post often but when she decides to write it’s worth reading. Always. There’s an air of sensibility and a lack of frivolity — although it’s always fun, easy to read and thought provoking.

I have 19 mom blogs on Google Reader and I like them all. I’m much more vested in the writing, editing and publishing blogs out there and they greatly outnumber the mom blogs. I’m a cynic when it comes to diary-like blogs and the ones that pitch products for breakfast — but it was good to recall and share the a few of the mom blogs that do make me smile.

Often.

Who’s on your list?

Bad blogger, me

Forgive me blogosphere, it has been five days since my last “real” post.

I was not on vacation.  I was not sick.  But, I did not write and I did not read.  I did not think of quips for the next entry. I did not click on links. I did not post a comment. I did not ponder the latest blogging dilemma with regard to integrity, ads, products, reviews or polls.

I didn’t Tweet and I didn’t Facebook (much).  I didn’t LinkedIn, SheWrites, TwitterMoms, Red Room or Backspace.

I did take a break.   And now I’m faced with catching up — or just picking up from here.

I’m taking care of a sick, old dog who doesn’t always act sick or old, but is.  I have to take another dog to the vet because she won’t stop shaking her head.  I’m working on projects around the house, client manuscripts and my own personal to-do list.  And when I squeeze it in, I’m writing.

When you are busy or preoccupied, with little blog worthy fodder in your day — do you put it all aside and remain a good, dedicated blogger or do you give yourself a break?

Kvetching about review blogs

In an effort to Blog with Integrity, and not end up in violation of some advertisers policies, many mommy bloggers are removing product reviews from their main blogs and starting up separate pages and sites for these bits of important information.   A hearty bunch of bloggers fell into the category of pawning off reviews as posts.  Either they didn’t realize they were doing it — or they got caught.  So — now — allow me to welcome you to the Review-asphere.

Woo hoo!  Now I can spend all the time I’m not reading mom blogs and my other must-see categories (writing, editing, agent, publishing and Chicago blogs), reading review blogs.

Or not.

Like weeds in the cracks of my sidewalk, these cannot be stopped.  Pull one out, there’s another.  Spray it down, rake it away, there’s a new one in it’s place. Frankly, I have no idea who reads them all if everyone is writing them.  Is there a semblance of supply and demand here?  I don’t think so.  If we all opened stores but no one shopped in them, what’s the point?  Do they each offer something unique and special?  Are these review bloggers supporting eachother?  I might be a negative Nelly, but I doubt it. I think there are so many people who write one blog and don’t read and comment on others, that I can’t imagine managing multiple sites gives one more time to become part of yet another online obsession community.

I’m not reading these blogs, that’s for sure.  I am very leery of people who recommend things they get for free — because face it, I have no reason to trust the opinion of 99% of the blogosphere.  The other 1%, well, yes.  Call me crazy, I ask people I know for their thoughts, not strangers.  Except for a handful of bloggers I have no idea of someone’s socio-economic status (nor do I want to know).  One person’s bargain is another person’s splurge.  One person’s dream vacation is another person’s nightmare.  And all the green reviews out there?  It’s a matter of opinion what’s good for the environment and our bodies.

And I also put much more credence in websites that offer reviews written by a myriad of contributors than a blogger who tells me what kind of cream cheese she uses on her bagels (Philly) or the best toilet paper (Target brand).  I don’t mind sites that say “this is kinda cool” but I do mind sites that say “this is the best” or “this is the worst.”  I also get a bit queasy at the blogger who writes that they did the laundry today, linking to washing machine, laundry detergent and clothing sites.  Or, boy I was so hungry yesterday I ate this — complete with linky love.

By meeting a diverse group of bloggers in person over the past 3 1/2 years, I know that while we have blogging in common, most are very different from me.   If I like your shoes I might ask you where you got them, and if I’m feeling friendly I might ask how much they cost.  But I don’t go around asking everyone because we have personal senses of style, varying budgets and different sized feet.  (8 1/2 wide, if you’re interested)

Here is what I do care about…

Are you reading review blogs?  Do you REALLY care what people think about the zillions of products and services available out there?  Where do you go for your information?  Am I off the mark? Is this the next big thing (won’t be the first one I missed out on).  I’m not trying to be swayed (I’m a rock) but I am trying to understand because, well, I just don’t get it.

Me?  I’ll be honest, I google.  I am a google goddess.  When I have my facts, I ask my friends — in person or online.

I have reviewed books on my other blog, but I do it as much to remember what I read as anything else.  Plus, as a writer and voracious reader, sometimes my friends ask me if I’ve read a good book lately and now I really know if I have.  I only recommend books, I don’t pan a book I don’t like.  But I don’t recommend a book I don’t like.  That’s just me.

I have no interest in this trend - yet it’s proliferation has me curious.

Not about what bloggers are saying really — but why.

Oh, why?

I have no good title for this post

If you don’t read Metrodad, you should. He’s one of the original dad bloggers.  He’s wicked smart, way beyond funny and poignant as hell.  And he’s getting divorced.

Even with the online love letters he has written to his wife in the past, this does not surprise me.  I’m sorry for him and his wife and their daughter and their dog.  But sorry does not equal surprise.  And it’s not because I have an inside scoop.  It’s because I am always aware that we know merely what people want us to know.  The most open book has secrets tucked away in code or behind a locked door.  I didn’t know what the post would reveal, but I knew it would well well-written and meaningful because that is something you can count on when you visit Metrodad.  And that’s really all I need to count on.

MD has an incredible loyal, diverse, ginormous following and his post that announces his divorce from his wife is delicate yet adamant and says something very simply that blog readers sometimes forget.

“I’m not going to delve into how closely my online “persona” is aligned with my “real-life” personality. That’s an abject lesson in futility that serves no real purpose. However, as I read through my archives to get a better understanding of that persona, I realize that there’s one important aspect of my personality that rarely surfaces in my writing; I am a deeply private person.” — Metrodad

Ditto, MD.

It’s a balance that we each need to be comfortable with as we put ourselves out there in cyberspace.  I believe even those bloggers who suffer from bloggarrehea proofread, spell-check and question.  Well, the responsible bloggers do that, imo.  The bloggers who say they do not self-censor, are only explosive within the parameters they’ve set for their blogs.   So, they’re open within specific confines - and that works for me.  I in no way think I know everything about everyone I read — even the bloggers who pour their lives and loves and losses onto the virtual page.   There are off-limits topics, I assume, for almost everyone, and if it’s not off-limits then maybe it’s just something they choose not to write about.

And while Metrodad writes about parenting, I hope that his blog remains the same well-rounded New Yorkerness that it has always been, and that it will become tinged, though not awash, in being single.  Not that I don’t read single parent blogs - I do like some of them - but I find much more common ground  in the comfortable simplicity of parent blogs that are balanced.

It’s hard to determine what makes a good story and what doesn’t — based on our personal rules.  Is it what is written or how it’s written or a combination that makes for good reading? I think the latter.  Although with someone like Metrodad - whatever he writes - works.  And while it seems like it’s easy-peasy to get all that out — whether it’s a kid-post or a divorce-post or a food-post — I’m sure it’s a meticulous process.

And believe it or not, so is this.  At least most of the time.

BlogHer ‘09 was most likely mighty fine

I don’t often post against the grain, but I stayed away from BlogHer ‘09 and here is why.

Don’t forget to ogle my cute dog and cute shoe while you’re reading.

When bloggers stop talking do you stop listening?

I’m fundamentally opposed to writing frequent blog posts about blogging.  They’re mighty popular, I’ll admit, and sometimes the topic at hand forces me to chime in.

Welcome to one of those times.

Lately there’s a lot of scuttlebutt in the blogosphere about promotion and PR, blogging with integrity and what I like to call blogging without benefits.  I can attest to the fact that many bloggers prefer to pass off pitches as blog posts — which is different from sites and blogs dedicated to reviews.  I have never sought an opinion on anything other than a book from a blog — but that’s just me.   Many bloggers love love love review sites and don’t care that the blogger writing the reviews has probably gotten goodies for free.  (I have reviewed books here and twice I’ve received books for free).  I have a few coupons sitting next to me on my desk, waiting for me to try a food product and then give away coupons.  And I’ll do that eventually — clearly stating that my post is a review.   No smoke and mirrors.  Straight-up simple blogging.

For the most part I blog because I like to write and tell stories.  I also like connecting with other bloggers — I’ve met a great many of you –  sometimes blogging just seems like a great way to keep in touch.  I also blog because I am a writer with stories and essays in newspapers and magazines — and writers want to be read.  I like having readers, figuring out what appeals to the masses and what doesn’t.  That being said, back in the day, I tried writing only what readers wanted.   I don’t have to tell you that didn’t work out well for me, do I?  I have to write my own stories in a way that appeals to me.  If you like it too, we all win.

I also have to read what appeals to me. And while that varies on a daily basis, the thread throughout the blogs I read — be they mom blogs, single mom blogs, writing blogs, publishing blogs or my elusive category of “regular” blogs — is that they don’t seem to have an ulterior motive.  They mostly tell stories and make me laugh or think.   There’s no hidden agenda in telling a story of any kind — if all you want to do is inform and entertain — and if in the long (or short) term that gets you a big readership -  or a book deal - or a movie deal - or free stuff — I say Good For You.

But…so many times recently I’ve gone to a blog and even without any peddling of goods on an internet soapbox, the blog has become vapid.  I jostle the laptop hoping words with meaning will drift down from top of the monitor and intersperse themselves with what’s in front of me.  I think all I’ve gotten from that action is a sticky space bar and the occasionally errant “e”.

I just want a story.  Short, preferably (I have a 17 year old vying for the laptop) - yet the topic can be complex. Or…pictures of your kids in goofy boots, even.  That’s a story.  The mess with your ex.  That’s a story.  The whole oh-my-god-what-shoes-am-I-going-to-wear-to-BlogHer.  In July, in the blogosphere, that’s a story.   After a few tries on many of these blogs where I see little effort in what in on the menu,  I stop visiting for a while, just the way you’d stop going back to a restaurant that once served thick, juicy prime beef hamburgers and then offered you a thin patty on a defrosted bun.

When I think a blogger has nothing to say, I stop listening.  I’m not always ready to go back even if I see new posts are ripe and ready for picking.  The trust is gone. I gave my time, my comments and most likely, a modicum of affection.  The blogger has done the old bait-and-switch — luring me in with lovely stories or funny lines — and then twirling around and offering a grocery list or a daily diary or a come-buy-this-or-shop-here.

Of course there are times when even good, healthy blogs die — and that accounts for some of the thinner posts and the change in mood. But the gung-ho bloggers who worked so hard to get and keep our attention — well, some of them I fear, are taking their readers for granted, assuming traffic will remain as if it’s rush hour on the Dan Ryan (for my fellow Chicagoans).

So sometimes I start searching for a new blog or head back to old favorites that never let me down.  (I can say old favorite because I have been blogging since BF, BT and even BB — that’s — Before Facebook, Before Twitter and Before BlogHer).

The one thing these blogs have in common (and I heart many blogs) is that they are consistent.   They are consistent in voice and in quality of content — even if the blog is not always consistent in subject matter or point of view.   Even if the blogger veers off to one side or another, I’m confident that he or she will find their way back, bring it all together, or if not, that the story is good enough to warrant the diversion.

In a online world where technology allows us to send messages about anything to anyone anywhere — consistency and reliability should be a mainstay.  It doesn’t mean don’t Twitter.  It doesn’t mean leave your iPhone at home during BlogHer (and no, I won’t be there, but it’s a theme nonetheless) it just means if you have something good going on your blog — give your readers some credit — and don’t screw it up.

The whipping post

We are a global society of storytellers — no matter our race or religion or the amount in our bank accounts or under our mattresses.

And for many of us that’s what a blog post is — a story.  As personal bloggers, we are internet storytellers.

In a recent group email someone asked how long it usually takes to whip out a post.

Whip?  I had never considered such a thing. Wasn’t whipping for egg whites?

By blogging I try to tell a story about something I did or something I thought or something someone else did.  I can write quickly, but the word ‘whip’ seemed to diminish the act itself — like it was something that needed to be done, not something that was enjoyed.  Blogging is not a science, nor is it an art for the most part - it’s a vehicle through which we express ourselves (and yes, some people run businesses, I’m not talking about them).  Some posts are carefully composed beautifully written - others are not.

Your preference for what you read — and write  — is yours alone.

In two different short sittings it took me 15 minutes to write this post, 10 minutes to edit and revise.  And only because I had other things to do.  I did not feel compelled to finish this post under any time constraint.  Sometimes I do, if a topic is timely, but in those cases I just do it and don’t think about it.

The advice I offered this blogger was to figure out what  she wanted her blog to be — and let it be that — and not to worry about how long it takes Ima Starr or A. Nony Mus to write a blog post.  I suggested she just write her posts for however long it takes her to tell her personal stories.

It took me hours and hours and hours last weekend to compose a 1200 word essay that I will either submit somewhere or post online or read as a podcast.

It can take me all day to come up with a witty Facebook status, but no longer than 17 seconds to compose a kickass comment.

I’ve written haikus in five minutes and paragraphs in five weeks.  And vice versa.

I have written columns in 30 minutes that have gone on to be published nationally.  I still don’t consider that whipping.

I consider it lucky.

My advice?

Just tell your stories — and leave the whipping to the bakers.

The mom-blog and keyword combo

My ex called me “Sister Mary Safety.”  It was a good-spirited private joke because I always drove the speed limit, paid for grapes before I ate them and never ran with scissors.  I tested the water temperature in a pool, wore sunscreen, a seat belt and a bike helmet.

And I still do.

My life could be called a cautionary tale, unless you’re privy to the many times I have jumped into things head first, all of which have happened in the past seven years.  When I have taken chances, been risky and stepped over lines - it has never involved my children.

When I started blogging I was anonymous.  Then I let my name out of the bag and allowed my kids to decide what I’d call them when I blogged.  When I write articles and essays that are published online I refer to my son and my daughter.  In one Chicago Tribune article I was asked to use their first names and did so — but they do not share the last name that you all know as mine — the one in my byline.  I have rarely posted their photos - and when I have, the photos have been profiles or muted views.  There are photos of my kids, without ‘tags’ on my Facebook page and no one can see my photos unless I approve them.  Everything in the security section of my Facebook account is private, private, private.

I have seen that many mom bloggers watermark their photos so they cannot be lifted and used elsewhere.  Many use cutesie names like Slugger and Princess for their kids.

How careful do we have to be?  Is there a way to make sure that the dregs of the webiverse don’t go looking for weirdness on our blogs?  We’ve all read the post where bloggers list the absurd google searches that lead people to them.  Most of time it’s funny, sometimes a little creepy.  But if your inocuous titles and either strategically or randomly placed keywords lead sickos to your site — where you talk about your life and your kids — what can you do?  Can you do anything at all?

I read an account recently of a woman who used a few choice expletives in a post title, along with the word “toddler.”  She apparently told a tale about a rude woman who gave a child “the finger.”  I bet it was a great story invoking gasps among a plethora of moms across the blogosphere.

But the google searches that lead to her blog after that were less than tasteful.  They were sick. She’s getting advice on what to do and who to contact even though this (if I remember correctly) was an international search and obviously this person did not find what he was looking for.

The whole thing made me throw up a little in my mouth - but not only because this happened.  I was the only one who responded with not only regret, but with some thoughts on what to say  and what not to say on one’s blog if you want to try to avoid this kind of thing.  I pointed out this was a good lesson for us all.

I know a lot of people enjoy the right to shock-blog, but from what I can they realize what they’re doing. Many bloggers will write anything for traffic.   Neither was the case here.  And yes, the important thing is that this blogger feel like she has “done something” in case the internet footprint left on her site helps authorities in any way. I applaud her for not shrugging it off and for reaching out for help.

But another thing ran through my mind as well: What the hell were you thinking?

As much as this sometimes feels like the corner booth in the local coffee shop, it’s the internet.  The World Wide Web.  As its tenants we should be responsible users, especially as moms who write about our lives and our children.  We each decide how much we’ll share.  There’s no right or wrong - just personal preference.  But wise and careful words are not a mistake.  Are they ever?

As a writer I do not censor myself but my word choices are deliberate.  I am an intentional and conscientious communicator - as much as possible.

Don’t stop honest, forthright, poignant, thought-provoking or funny blogging — but maybe channel a little of your own Sister Mary Safety when you do.

‘Cause the crap that can happen online is no joke.

Get your hand off my divorce

A new divorce is like a pregnant belly.  If you have one, other people think they can touch it.

Some people ask with hands retrieved, some just lay their hands flat on top waiting for a kick - an intimate connection.  And if they don’t reach out directly, the drool coming out of the side of their mouths, the glances, the deft skirting of issues alerts you to how much they want to.

In the July/August issue of The Atlantic, Sandra Tsing Loh writes about her divorce — and a shout-out for reactions to the article were what prompted a ‘blog fodder’ email I received this morning.

Frankly, I’m as enthralled by what married people think of divorce as most mothers are to what their friends without kids think of parenting.

I imagine this blogger (whom I don’t know) is appalled at the reaction of Loh to give up the idea of marriage and of the fact that she admits to her own transgressions.  Her CAPITAL letters were my clue. Another blogger found the article “grating”, claiming Loh should take responsibility and not say that marriage is “antique.”

When you write personal essays and opinion columns - as Loh does (and as I do) that’s what you put out there - your personal story.  Your opinion.

Loh eloquently blasts marriage in this article, making proper fun of the institution in which she failed — all with research to back up her claims at marriage’s value - or lack thereof.  And she doesn’t mind really, the failing or the funnin’.  I’m sure it wasn’t always as easy for her as the words imply, but acceptance is the first step on the road to recovery.  Seeing the flaws in the system sometimes allow you to move on instead of try to fix them. Loh’s imperious remarks that she just isn’t going to do the time and work it would take to mend her marriage if it’s mendable at all.  She then goes on to recount how once her horrid, gasp-inspiring news was shared with her friends, how they admitted their own dissatisfaction with their own marriages.

When I was getting divorced I received an email - or it may have been a hand-written note, I don’t remember - that asked me “Why?”  This person, whom I had very little contact with over the preceding twenty years asked if that was too personal.  My reply?  Yes, it was too personal. That being said, plenty of people knew plenty.  Some by my choice and others because I live in town of 9,000 and word travels fast whether you want it to or not.

And, just like when you’re pregnant (probably with your first) and mothers are all too happy to reveal their bloody, beastly birth stories — when you’re getting divorced you become privy to the behind-the-picket-fence secrets you never imagined.   I know about my neighbor’s unspoken-of first marriages, affairs and separations.  I know about abortions, adoptions and threadbare unions — some on their way to court, some not.  It fosters a kinship, sometimes welcome and sometimes not.   You become the one with too much private information about people you know and people they know and the personification of my kitchen magnet that says:

“You’ll always be my best friend.  You know too much.”

I find it amazing that divorce makes the front page news day-after-day in any place other than someone’s own blog or journal, and seems to draw more attention than war and crime and the health care crisis.  And I’m more annoyed than shocked that people will judge someone like Loh, who’s being honest and strong  –  not forlorn and pathetic — in her own experience and opinion.

I’m glad that with seven-years-single under my belt, that I’m able to help one of my best friends through her own divorce.   I have never judged her choices, her words or her actions.  I don’t focus on what could have been or what went wrong or what was — but where she can go as she gives birth to a new life.

Her own.

I’ll take the sticks and stones, thank you very much

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will never hurt me.

Who the hell wrote that?

Words are a commodity - and on the internet, like in real life, words can be worth more than gold or less than the paper they’re printed on - or the screen on which they are viewed.

Unlike bumps and bruises acquired through a physical brawl, when you throw your words around the wounds sometimes fester, never healing.

Unlike letters written and never mailed, lectures mentally drafted but never spoken, diatribes altered before they leave your lips - on the internet there are no take-backsies. Because even if you delete a post — someone may have cut and pasted it. Because Tweets are forever embedded in the memory of Twitter and all your followers. And emails are always somewhere in the deep dark recesses of your recycle bin.

Name calling is childish — but to do it online is not childish - it’s stupid. Not only do you see your words in front of you - and perhaps revel in their nastiness - but lots of other people see them too - even if you don’t intend it. People forward emails and tweets all the time.  You can even cut and paste miles of Instant Messages.

So be careful, folks - and do what you teach your children - if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

I know there’s an internet brew-ha-ha going on right now. A he said/she said situation that is embarrassing at its best and horrifying at its worst.  I won’t link to it because I believe the only reason these things live and breathe is because they get attention.

I won’t feed the monster.

Frankly, I’d rather be hit with sticks.