Get your hand off my divorce
A new divorce is like a pregnant belly. If you have one, other people think they can touch it.
Some people ask with hands retrieved, some just lay their hands flat on top waiting for a kick - an intimate connection. And if they don’t reach out directly, the drool coming out of the side of their mouths, the glances, the deft skirting of issues alerts you to how much they want to.
In the July/August issue of The Atlantic, Sandra Tsing Loh writes about her divorce — and a shout-out for reactions to the article were what prompted a ‘blog fodder’ email I received this morning.
Frankly, I’m as enthralled by what married people think of divorce as most mothers are to what their friends without kids think of parenting.
I imagine this blogger (whom I don’t know) is appalled at the reaction of Loh to give up the idea of marriage and of the fact that she admits to her own transgressions. Her CAPITAL letters were my clue. Another blogger found the article “grating”, claiming Loh should take responsibility and not say that marriage is “antique.”
When you write personal essays and opinion columns - as Loh does (and as I do) that’s what you put out there - your personal story. Your opinion.
Loh eloquently blasts marriage in this article, making proper fun of the institution in which she failed — all with research to back up her claims at marriage’s value - or lack thereof. And she doesn’t mind really, the failing or the funnin’. I’m sure it wasn’t always as easy for her as the words imply, but acceptance is the first step on the road to recovery. Seeing the flaws in the system sometimes allow you to move on instead of try to fix them. Loh’s imperious remarks that she just isn’t going to do the time and work it would take to mend her marriage if it’s mendable at all. She then goes on to recount how once her horrid, gasp-inspiring news was shared with her friends, how they admitted their own dissatisfaction with their own marriages.
When I was getting divorced I received an email - or it may have been a hand-written note, I don’t remember - that asked me “Why?” This person, whom I had very little contact with over the preceding twenty years asked if that was too personal. My reply? Yes, it was too personal. That being said, plenty of people knew plenty. Some by my choice and others because I live in town of 9,000 and word travels fast whether you want it to or not.
And, just like when you’re pregnant (probably with your first) and mothers are all too happy to reveal their bloody, beastly birth stories — when you’re getting divorced you become privy to the behind-the-picket-fence secrets you never imagined. I know about my neighbor’s unspoken-of first marriages, affairs and separations. I know about abortions, adoptions and threadbare unions — some on their way to court, some not. It fosters a kinship, sometimes welcome and sometimes not. You become the one with too much private information about people you know and people they know and the personification of my kitchen magnet that says:
“You’ll always be my best friend. You know too much.”
I find it amazing that divorce makes the front page news day-after-day in any place other than someone’s own blog or journal, and seems to draw more attention than war and crime and the health care crisis. And I’m more annoyed than shocked that people will judge someone like Loh, who’s being honest and strong – not forlorn and pathetic — in her own experience and opinion.
I’m glad that with seven-years-single under my belt, that I’m able to help one of my best friends through her own divorce. I have never judged her choices, her words or her actions. I don’t focus on what could have been or what went wrong or what was — but where she can go as she gives birth to a new life.
Her own.
By Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) on Jun 24, 2009
Ohhhh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I was just discussing this with someone last night — someone who has been divorced and also gone through the break-up of a relationship with his daughter’s mother — about how people think they know know KNOW what it is like, they feel free to judge and to opine, when really, you cannot know until you’ve been there.
And it reminded me of thinking that being a babysitter and a nanny and loving many children gave me a pass into the parenting room. Really, it just allowed me to peer in. That is, until I had a child of my own. Some things said and shared in the rooms of divorce and parenting are tough, gritty, honest, funny. Most of that stuff can’t truly be understood until you have papers or a baby in hand. It just is what it is.
I’ve been asked the “why?” question myself so many times. I’ve often answered, “I could share details, but I am not sure you really want to hear them.” And instead, I’ve told them things are happier and healthier now. On the same spectrum of getting in too close, into the personal space, I’ve also had friends back away like my divorce was cancer or a pandemic that was catching.
I guess all of that — the ridicule, the too-personal questions, the righteousness — is all about fear. Because if it happens to someone else, it can sure as hell happen to you. At least, that’s what I thought, a long time ago when I was peering into the break-up room, not knowing I’d be stepping in at one point myself.
OK, I wrote more here than I intended. But you’ve made such a powerful, poignant point. Thank you. For your sageness and sense of self, as always, thank you.
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:12 am
@Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass),
When it’s appropriate - I tell all. I just shudder when those who know nothing make grandiose statements. It’s their right to do so, as it is my right to stick my fingers in my ears! I know that people want information because they are scared - I’d rather they just say that. Some do.
xo
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By tina on Jun 24, 2009
It’s funny — I’m also endlessly interested in reading about someone’s divorce. Is it morbid curiosity, or the desire to compare my situation to someone elses?
I’ve survived some really bad stretches and events in my marriage — my husband and I tell most people who’ve been through what we have would have been divorced three times!
I’ve also had girlfriends divorce, and get overly drawn into their traumas — and they usually decide I’m going to get divorced, too. One of my friends, three times divorced, told me — I know you’re going to get divorced eventually — you have to. Almost like she needed a friend to go through it with her.
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:14 am
@tina,
I admire those who have going through dark tunnels in their marriages and come out on the other side - not unscathed, not unchanged - but usually better and stronger.
I understand the appeal of watching it happen - it’s like stockpiling the solid storm of information - just in case.
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By Kat Wilder on Jun 24, 2009
I think you nailed it on the head when you mentioned the “divorce as cancer” thing; people have complicated feelings about divorce because they worry about their own marriage, how happy they really are (or aren’t). They want to know because they’re wondering if what went wrong in the divorcee’s marriage is also happening in theirs, and thus, should they be looking for a lawyer, too?
I’ve written about that before in The divorce dilemma and It’s just divorce, not dysfunction. Well, actually, I write about it a lot!
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
June 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am
@Kat Wilder,
You’re right, Kat, absolutely. People search for answers in others. Sometimes they find them too, I know that.
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By Melanie on Jun 24, 2009
Amy, you really are a gifted writer. I love this. I especially like the comparison to women who haven’t had children.
I wish I had the nerve to say “yes, that’s too personal.” I’m always afraid of offending other people, even at the expense of my own feelings. I’m trying to get better about that.
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
June 24th, 2009 at 11:00 am
@Melanie,
I never blame someone for asking, as long as they realize I don’t have to answer. And I don’t mind sharing when I feel it’s appropriate. I also know that sometime people ask things and don’t really want the truth. You are sweet for not wanting to hurt others — I don’t either — but I will for the sake of myself and my privacy, if need be — I do try to do it nicely. Most of the time.
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By Melanie on Jun 24, 2009
I think part of it is until this year I’ve never had much that I really didn’t want to talk about. Now that some time has passed I find it easier, but yeah, protecting myself should be the priority.
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By jodifur on Jun 24, 2009
I didn’t like that article b/c I thought it over generalized all marriages and instead of looking inward found fault w/ the entire institution of marriage.
I’ll admit, I’m happily married, but we have had our dark times too. But I’m also a baby, 34 and married 8 years. 20 years from now who knows where I will be.
I just found that article a little short sided. Your marriage is your marriage and no one else’s.
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
June 24th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
@jodifur,
I understand being put-off by her view. I found it to be a very personal and newly divorced POV, and that’s OK because that’s where she’s coming from. I think it’s a very typical roundup of feelings actually. I can relate to many of them.
She may also feel differently at another time, and then she can write another essay!
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jodifur replied:
June 24th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
@SuburbanKvetch, you know, you feel how you feel, and you can’t argue or disagree with someone feelings. I was just really put off by her argument. But I have never been in that situation.
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
June 24th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
@jodifur,
That’s reasonable - being put off by someone’s else viewpoint, that is. What bugs me is when someone says (not you) that the viewpoint is wrong. One of the reasons for my column named “The View from Here” which was taken from one of my essays.
http://www.imperfectparent.com/articles/articles300_1.php
Thank you for all your thoughts and insights today. It’s important to remember how we all come at the same things from different places!
Amy
By angie on Jun 25, 2009
Lots to be said for living in a big city.
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By Jeanie Chung on Jun 30, 2009
I’m a little late here, but wanted to say how much I enjoyed this.
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By Florinda on Jul 2, 2009
I read that article a couple of weeks ago, and I haven’t quite been able to nail down my response yet. I was divorced for four years, after being married for 18, and a lot of what Loh said made sense to me, even if I didn’t necessarily agree with it.
I’ve been married again for almost three years, and it’s a second marriage for both of us. I REALLY hope what we both went through and learned the first time will help us with this one, and make us more accepting of and willing to do the work involved to keep it. On the other hand, I get what Loh said regarding that work, and sometimes I’m irritated that it has to BE work in the first place, if that makes sense.
It’s usually married people who are most fascinated by divorce, in my experience, and I agree that it comes from fear - not just fear that it will happen to them, but fear of what they might find if they really look deeply into their marriages. Or what they WON’T find. In any case, if they ask questions of the divorced, I think it’s because some of them don’t want to ask those questions of themselves.
I’m so glad you said all this.
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