Jumping through hoops
There was a time in my life when it was important for me to be part of the in-crowd, to have certain clothes and particular accessories, to read specific books or magazines and go to the right places to see and be seen. I did not want to miss out. I cared what people thought of what I had and where I was and how I behaved. I never followed anyone off a cliff, but at the appropriate time in my life all that integral to my existence. I think that was called high school.
Not any more.
What I do and where I go and what I have is done for me. I like nice things and have enough of them, but they are not used or worn to impress anyone — nor are the bargain basement items obtained for shock value.
I know adults who drink to get drunk, I do not. I’d rather stay away from that be around it at this point in my life. I know people who use illegal drugs and I stay away from that too — not really understanding the appeal and having no need to fit in to that niche.
Perhaps the forced separatism I experience because I’m a single mom has not only made me able to fix toilets in a single bound, but it has made me realize that actions and acquisitions are not the stuff that friendships are made of. If I have to do more than be kind and honest and generous to be your friend, I’ll pass. If I have to have certain things to be in your closed circle, then I’ll make one of my own.
It baffles me that adults — both men and women — strive to fit their square pegs into round holes. I guess it’s human nature to want to be like everyone around you, and to use metaphoric camouflage to do so. But I have found that if you look hard enough there are always people with whom you mesh in one way or another - however and whomever you happen to be for real.
Even in uncomfortable situations I am comfortable in my own skin. I don’t mean that I don’t think about what I’ll wear or say or whether I’ll be an outcast or the center of attention, but the outcome will be what it will be. I’m polite and certainly look for welcoming eyes when I’m in a room full of strangers. I do not force myself to be who I’m not. I cannot be coerced into something I don’t want to do or somewhere I don’t want to go. Ask anyone who has tried.
The appeal of running circles around myself to fit into a group holds no appeal for me — frankly the thought of it exhausts me. I watch with a sad sense of wonder when I see women elbowing their way into a group or obsessing over how to fit in.
I’ve come a long way since jumping through hoops in high school in the ’80’s - and maybe even college and the ’90’s. Maybe my marriage, divorce, kids, moves around the country, jobs and lifelong friends have enabled me to step back from it all and watch without being part of of the rigmarole. Maybe I have the secret ingredient for self-actualization. Maybe I am fully evolved. (Yeah, that sounds good.)
Or maybe I’m just too tired to jump.
By angie on Jul 22, 2009
Yes!
Hugs from the daily wearer of scrubs.
(Got a writerly interview up today if you get a chance to drop by.)
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:50 am
@angie,
Hugs back! Yep, I’ll be by. Am a tad behind on the reading end but I always make it eventually!
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By Alicia D on Jul 22, 2009
wait…. you have this blog too? im used to going over to your ‘name sake’ blog :). COOL!
ok, im SO with you on this post. I have had the same journey and have arrived at the same destination. Funny thing is that when people look at my “outsides” they think im in the “in crowd” — God knows why. yes i own a stupid pair of uggs (their comfy, what can i say) and drive a stupid honda odyssey and live in a stupid McMansion suburban home. blah blah. Ok, those things may be true, but they dont define who i am. I really dont give a sh*t about that stuff. The funny thing is, im an unmanicured, unshowered, uncaring, unmaterialistic mess of a person… and i love myself for it. finally, im comfortable in my own skin and i have more friends these past years of “not trying to be cool and “in”" than ive had in my whole life when i was caring too much about the wrong things. and they are REAL friendships. The kind that matter… not the kind that weigh, judge and compete.
as i read on your tweet - not going to blogher prompted this post for you. i, too, am listening to the blogher hype from the sidelines as everyone buzzes about what Dress they’re going to wear and how much weight they’re gonna lose. i hope they have a blast. sounds great. but I am NOT going. Nor would i ever want to. not my thing. the thought of doing all that doesnt put me off. i, like you, am just too damn tired to care….. LOL!!
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:02 am
@Alicia D,
You crack me up. That’s how I feel! Perhaps if BlogHer ever ventures back to Chicago I’ll change my mind…but I have years to not worry about that now, don’t I?
Glad you found me here!!
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J replied:
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Meh. BlogHer was here last year, and I entertained the thought of going IF and only IF some of my bloggy friends were going to be here, so we could meet face to face. Otherwise, not interested in the least.
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By J on Jul 22, 2009
I’m with you. A friend’s husband described me once as “Down to Earth”, which I think sums up a lot of this. My friend was a bit jealous, I think, because she was many things (beautiful, thin, richish, popular) but down to earth was not one of her things. It takes all kinds to make the world, though, doesn’t it?
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:33 am
@J,
Absolutely! And I have friends who itch to fit in around them. I also have friends in the coolest circles and those in the not so cool ones. All have their own certain appeal, and charm — as long as they just let me be me!
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By fern on Jul 22, 2009
I so agree. Maybe on my tombstone I’ll have “didn’t give a s**t what other people thought”
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SuburbanKvetch replied:
July 22nd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
@fern,
Yes, you are the original “original thinker” of my friends.
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By MindyMom on Jul 24, 2009
I completley agree. And I don’t think I ever cared about fitting in, maybe a little at times but for the most part I just don’t care. I cared even less after my divorce when I learned who my true friends really were. And who has time for superficial/fake friends?
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By Jennifer Parker on Jul 25, 2009
I’m definitely too tired to jump.
My whole life I’ve kept very few close friends. I don’t know if it’s because I have a knack for weeding out bad matches or because I’m too critical but having only a couple of confidants has worked out well for me.
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